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This morning I woke early, completed my morning ritual and walked Kodi before the heat became too much for me or him to handle.

I came home and checked my email, got a call from a Parent to Parent peer support I was matched with, to try to get some insight into starting a support group, I put dinner in the crock pot and suddenly I feel overwhelmed by emotion.

I just want to sit and cry, I feel sick.

Time is ticking by way too quickly toward my surgery and I’m really apprehensive about it. I don’t like the idea of not being able to take care of the things I typically take care of, having to be looked after, having to ‘take it easy’… it’s not in me. I’ve always been the person others relied on, I have been the one being the care giver, not the other way around.

My Godson has still not spoken to me, even though he knows I’m facing surgery and that the surgeon thinks it will be a ‘difficult surgery’. He’s riding to and from work with my husband every day and yet he’s not bothered himself to stop by and see me, to see if we can rectify this situation. Frankly, I’m feeling that it hurts so badly, there’s no way to rectify it. The more time that passes, the worse the emotional pain and upset. I have already decided it can never be as it was, but if I have this surgery and he’s still not made an effort to speak to me, there is no ‘going back’.

I’m so stressed and disappointed with this support group that I’m trying to start. I thought there would be people involved right from the beginning who would want to help me, who’d share the responsibilities, who’d help me get things up and running, help me manage the group… there were parents I had helped before that I was sure would be on board, but thus far, not one person has done one single thing to help me. I’ve not had one person say to me, ‘what can I do?’ or ‘how can I help?’ or ‘I’ll take care of that.’

The sponsor group’s representative tells me she’ll do this or that on this day, call me on this day, let me know about one thing or another and those promises of contact pass by, with me sitting here checking my email every hour, looking anxiously, for anything from her. She did finally get the flyer for the Organizational Meeting out, but we don’t seem to have gotten to the other things she said she could/would do yet.

I’m rapidly realizing that I need to depend on me, to just do what needs to be done and find a way to deal with the stress. I was matched with a peer supporter who called me today and my heart fell. She told me she has been doing her support group ALONE for over a year. She’s focusing on one school district, goes to talk to people face to face, doesn’t have one location for her meetings having to change the location every couple of meetings. She’s now working on obtaining a ‘non-profit’ status so she can afford ‘help’.

I’d have never agreed to do this, never have been so excited, if I’d have realized I had to shoulder all the burden myself.

I’m putting all my eggs in one basket here, hoping that some motivated parents will materialize as a result of sending out the Organizational Meeting flyer. If that doesn’t bring some committed help my way then I’m afraid I’m going to have to decline any further involvement.

I’m sitting here crying, right now. I’m devastated that I have so ‘over-estimated’ my relationships, that my contribution in helping others has had so little value to them that they can’t see their way to even give a little in return.

When talking to a friend today I said I really feel as if I want to just walk away from everyone but my family and start over… she said she completely understood and suggested that starting over should not include the same level of giving and caring that I’ve done in the past. It should be about my husband, my son and myself and not extended beyond that, that way I can’t be taken for granted, taken advantage of, or ‘humored’ by anyone around me.

I’m going to have a good cry now…