Before I had surgery everyone I know was letting me know that they wanted to know when I was having surgery, if I was going to need anything, how much they cared and wanted to ‘be there’ for me, how much they loved me.
It felt good, thinking that I might actually mean so much to so many of my friends. It was very reassuring. I got a lot of comfort from the outpouring of kindness.
A friend of mine asked to add me as her ‘sister’ on Facebook, said she was going to be at my house the morning before surgery. She wanted to ‘be there’ for me. The morning before surgery she called to say her sewer backed up at her house and she’d been mowing the lawn and gotten stung by a bunch of bees, so she wouldn’t be here. I told her it was fine, I was nervous and probably wouldn’t be very good company.
There were a handful of ‘friends’ who wanted to know how things came out, so my husband called them personally and posted on Facebook so my friends who are father away would know.
I ended up spending the night at the hospital. The friend who thought of me as her ‘sister’ said she was going to be at the hospital to help me get home in the morning, but she called my husband and told him her Grandfather had died so she wasn’t going to be able to come.
One great friend brought my husband to the hospital in the morning to pick me up, because we thought it would be easier for me to get in and out of her van than our sedan. She was great getting me and getting me home, willing to do anything we needed her for. I’m so thankful for her.
Since I’ve been home a handful of friends on Facebook have kept in touch to be sure I’m doing okay, our neighbors have been great about checking in.
The ‘sister’ wrote me a long email telling me that she felt she wasn’t being the best friend to me, had let me down, etc., wasn’t there for me when I needed her. I told her it was okay, she had some unfortunate events occur, life happens. She thanked me for being so ‘understanding.’ Immediately after this exchange with her, she posted on Facebook that the day I came home from surgery, the ‘day her grandfather died’ she… “had a great day yesterday after seeing old friends and going out on a pontoon for the first time..I got a sock tan..ugh..can we say tanning bed fix..lol..all in all it was a great day.”
My Godson still hasn’t stopped by to talk about the rift that’s existed between us for three months now. My best friend of 35 years stopped by and hardly spoke to me, complaining how people twist her words, sat here and read a book for a couple of hours before leaving. People I’ve loved and cared about for decades didn’t even make contact with me, before or after. People I see and speak to on a regular basis didn’t even bother to call to see how I was doing.
My cousin, whom tells me how much she loves me had no contact with me. When I contacted her to let her know everything was okay, she told me if I needed anything to let her know. I told her my appointment with the surgeon for follow up and possibly having the staples removed was scheduled for 2 days before her son’s graduation party and I honestly couldn’t tell her at this point, whether I was going to feel up to coming or not. She told me she planned it so it would be like a ‘family reunion’, especially for me… I was being honest, I didn’t appreciate the ‘guilt trip’, I don’t know what I’m going to feel like at that time.
The woman sponsoring my support group has been in touch with me to see how I’m doing, but none of the other people associated with the group have checked in.
I think, sometimes, it’s better believing people care, rather than knowing they aren’t being genuine, it’s better not knowing when they are BSing you.
They say when things get tough, that’s when you see the true nature of people, when you really need them you will see them for who they are… this has been an eye opening experience.
I’m still trying to learn how to guard myself against people who aren’t good for me, trying to learn how to avoid people who use and abuse. It’s definitely a learning process, a work in progress.
I really am disheartened by knowing.