Recently, I was talking to my friend about how I am trying to sort and reorganize things, planning to donate some things, give some things to my husband’s co-workers, etc.
She asked me what I was thinking about giving away. When I listed off some glassware, storage containers, coffee mugs, etc. she stopped me and said, J.J. is looking for coffee mugs.
Background: J.J. was our godson. You can read about what has transpired between us here.
My response to her saying he was looking for coffee mugs was, “I wouldn’t give them to him.” She was quick to ask “Why not?”
Really? Why not? I was stunned that she would seriously ask why? I asked her, why would I? It’s been four years since he last spoke to me. He hurt me terribly. I think we’ve given plenty to him since he was four years old… why would I give him something, when he couldn’t give me respect, couldn’t give me an apology?
I don’t know what anyone else would think about not being willing to give him the mugs, but I feel that part of why he’s disrespected us is our fault. We’ve always felt sorry for him, allowed him to get away with things we wouldn’t have ever let anyone else get away with, we’ve gone out of our way to do things for him and be there for him no matter how poorly he’d treated us.
The way he cut me out of his life four years ago, to me, was the final straw, required me to put my foot down and stop making him a priority. I can’t allow him to think what he’s done is okay, doesn’t matter, or that I would accept that behavior and continue to give to and do for him as I always had.
I’m going to address this with my friend, as it’s disconcerting to me that she would think I should be okay with the way he’s treated me. I’ve made the same mistakes with her, allowing her to do hurtful things, be abusive (verbally and emotionally) and continued to ‘give her a pass’ and be supportive of her.
He once told me that his theory was, when there’s been a falling out, just let it be. Let time pass and it will go away. I tried to tell him that that’s not the way everyone thinks about things like this. For some people, the longer it’s left to fester, the worse it gets, the harder to repair, the more resentment builds. Everyone has a breaking point, a time when they feel they are no longer willing to deal with a given situation.
That he’s stayed away and avoided me (while maintaining a loose relationship with my husband) for four years sends me a clear message.
No, I have nothing more to give to him, I’m no longer willing to help him. I don’t and won’t apologize for that.