Tags
Change of Life, Changes, Communication, Menopause, Sharing, Symptoms, Women
For years I joked that I’d throw a party when Menopause arrived. I was so ready for my monthly cycle to be over. I’d been diagnosed, when I was 33, as infertile after 9 months of continually menstruating. I begged the Gynecologist to do a hysterectomy, but he refused, as he explained my organs were healthy, my body didn’t make progesterone.
Since my mother and Aunt had both had hysterectomies in their 30’s, I had no idea what to expect, as far as when the onset of menopause would be. I asked my doctor and she explained that menopause begins later in life. There was a time when women could expect it in their late 40’s, but today, child bearing years begin earlier and last longer, in some cases well into a woman’s 50’s.
I was told in my late 30’s that I’d entered perimenopause, a condition that occurs prior to the onset of menopause, when women begin to experience a drop in estrogen production causing erratic periods, night sweats, hot flashes, etc. My doctor told me this condition can last for as many as 15 years.
Erratic was an understatement… my life became crazy, no such thing as a regular cycle, no way to plan ahead or know what to expect. Hot flashes came on any time of the day, night sweats were a regular occurrence.
At around the age of 52 I started to notice that I was having more memory problems than I had been having, even with a diagnosis of short-term memory loss. I also noticed that my emotions were all over the place, breaking into tears for absolutely no reason, my feelings hurt by the least little thing.
At about 53 I thought several times that I’d reached the promised land, months went by without a “visitor” only to have it return with a vengeance. Talking with my doctor, she informed me that she couldn’t consider me to have reached menopause until I’d not had a cycle for 12 consecutive months. At 54, April seemed to bring an end to things. In December of that year there was spotting, then nothing. Now at 55 I’m in my 9th of those 12 months, hoping that this is it.
Something new has begun, something I had no foreknowledge of. I’m angry, all of the time and I don’t have any idea why. Everything gets under my skin. I catch myself snapping at people, feeling mad for no real reason. I spoke to some other women over 50 who shared that yes, this is normal, it can last a short time, or years, according to their experiences.
I don’t understand why women don’t talk to one another about this time of life. Women compare birth experiences, raising kids, talk about their marriages, friendships, but you just don’t hear women talking about the ‘change of life.’
There are lots of jokes about “the change,” but no serious discussion about what to expect. I had no idea that anger was something a lot of women deal with. I’d heard all the cliche symptoms like hot flashes, night sweats, forgetfulness and mood swings, but nothing particularly specific about any of that.
I hardly sleep because I’m either outside the covers freezing or under the covers sweat soaking my night clothes. It seems as if every 15 min. or so I’m flipping the covers off, or pulling them back on. I’m sweating so much that I’m sometimes changing my clothes multiple times a day to prevent chaffing from having wet clothing on.
I’m so forgetful that I get up to do something and halfway to my destination I’ve forgotten what I was doing. I forget what I’ve said, not sure if I actually said it or was just thinking about saying it. I’m repeating myself a lot because I don’t remember saying something.
The mood swings are horrible, because I can be laughing and having fun and someone will look at me a certain way, say something with an attitude or tone and suddenly I’m in tears, completely unable to control it. I feel like I’m stuck in a routine where I’m busting my butt to accomplish things, but never see the result, or at least don’t see it for long, before things are destroyed again. Stuck in a rut, droning along, almost on autopilot.
I find myself feeling unappreciated, taken for granted. I’m emotionally miserable. I really wish, knowing I have diagnoses of anxiety, depression and PTSD, my doctor would have prepared me better for what to expect, perhaps made an effort to get out in front of some of these symptoms and head them off.
Please talk to your women friends, don’t be shy about sharing or asking questions, after all we all go through this time of life. We should support one another.