I couldn’t bring myself to come back to this blog after losing Kodiak. Nearly a year has passed without him. Some days I still fall apart, multiple times a day, sometimes nights are sleepless, as I imagine I can hear him, see him in the shadows, feel him on the bed.
Walking on my own has been difficult, as I still encounter people who are seeing me without him, asking if I’m getting another dog. We even tried to bring two different dogs into the house for an introduction with our cats, to see if they would work, but it was too soon, not only for me, but for the cats, they were intimidated by the full grown strange dogs.
I told my husband I didn’t think I could ever have another dog, Kodiak was so unique, so very special and so perfect for me, had taken my heart when he left me, but he didn’t think that was fair to him.
I got more and more used to walking alone, neighbors routinely stopped me to see how I was doing, to hug me and remind me that he is walking with me, always.
Our friends, who had 7 huskies, intended to breed two of their dogs and offered to give us second pick of the litter, asking only that we pay for puppy vet visits. During the year, our friend’s dogs really provided me with a lot of therapy. Her big male, the potential daddy of our future puppy, really saved me, allowing me lots of cuddles, love and kisses.
Over the Summer, as I adjusted to doing so many things alone for the first time in 10 years, we waited for the female to have her second heat. It happened in October and she and the male successfully bred. The puppies are due in about 4-7 days.
In October, I also reached a personal goal of losing 200 lbs, the journey I’d started with Kodi had reached a milestone, slowly, but finally.
I have mixed emotions about the new puppy. Part of me very much wants another dog, but part of me is sort of mourning the freedom we’ve had over the Summer and Fall, being able to come and go without worrying about someone being here for potty trips. I also worry that once again I’ll be tasked with the lion’s share of training and I worry that my patience is not what it once was. In the last year, the cats have become very affectionate, wanting a lot of lap time and attention, as Kodi had been very possessive of me and jealous of any contact with them.
Definitely starting a new chapter, a new adventure this year. I’m trying to focus on welcoming the challenges before us, regarding the new puppy.
There has been another change, one that also brings about mixed feelings. We’ve been helping my husband’s mother for a couple years now. This past year we helped her with groceries, bought tires for her car, took her on a Riverboat for brunch for her 80th birthday. She’s confronted my husband more than once last year about his sister, wanting him to reconcile with her. He’s tried explaining to her that it’s not happening again. Christmas morning, after having sent her a portrait of us in her Christmas card, he called her to wish her a Merry Christmas, it quickly escalated as she told him his sister wanted a picture of us too. He told her no. She insisted he should mend things with her, because it was Christmas. He tried repeatedly to explain how he felt, but she persisted until he told her Merry Christmas, goodbye and hung up on her. He declared that he’s done. Done trying, done dealing with the fallout caused by his sister’s continuous dishonesty and efforts to drive a wedge between their mother, her daughters and me.
Turning a page to a new chapter, starting a new year, bringing a new puppy home and removing toxic people from our life together is a lot of change, but we feel we’re up for the challenges before us.