In A Charlie Brown Christmas, Charlie Brown says to Linus… “I think there must be something wrong with me, Linus. Christmas is coming, but I’m not happy. I don’t feel the way I’m supposed to feel.” I’d change that slightly and say the holiday season is here, but I’m not happy, I don’t feel the way I’m supposed to feel.
The holidays are usually a source of excitement for me, starting with Halloween. I love decorating, the jack-o-lanterns, picking out candy to give to trick or treaters, etc. I love getting the ingredients from the store for Thanksgiving dinner, bringing in the lights to check out for Christmas decorating, inside and out. It’s all exciting, there’s a lot of anticipation, but none this year.
The last couple of Halloweens we’ve only had two or three trick or treaters. I had been looking forward to this Halloween, as I was anxious to see KD’s costume, to dress up for him, even if we got no other kids, but since his mother was my son’s SSP and she quit, her sister attacked me on Facebook, her father won’t talk to us after a 37 year friendship, there isn’t much to look forward to. All of my Halloween/Autumn lights were no good this year, had to buy new and couldn’t find what we wanted anywhere, so we made do with white twinkle lights, cut back on decorations.
The last couple Thanksgivings we had our friend of 37 years over for Thanksgiving dinner, his daughter, the former SSP had come last year and I think one other time. Obviously they won’t be coming this year, it will just be us.
This is the first holiday season without my husband’s mother. She really never participated in holidays with us, only two or three times in the 37 years we’ve been married, but it’s the idea that she’s no longer here, there are no more opportunities to convince her to share holidays with us.
This is the second holiday season without my best friend of 43 years. I’ve spent a year wanting to talk to her, opening up her facebook messenger to chat with her, update her on something happening in my life, to find out how she’s doing.
This year, there’s a significant rift between us and our neighbor over the fence and her asparagus plants. Our friends who bred our dog moved an hour away, so visiting them is not something we are able to do. We’ve only been to their house once since they moved.
There are a couple friends/relatives who needed us when they were going through hard times, but now they aren’t too interested in us anymore.
I just can’t get into the holiday spirit, as hard as I try. Christmas shopping is terribly difficult, as my husband is the only one of us who ever wants anything, and we really don’t have the money to spend, aside from the fact that shelves are bare everywhere because of shipping being backed up.
I had a huge meltdown last Thursday, as the riding mower wouldn’t start, I push mowed the whole backyard and suffered terrible pain as a result. It just feels as if nothing is going well, certainly not as it has in the past. I’m feeling very much alone, very much disposed of, as if I have no (or aren’t permitted to have) feelings. I’m tired, worn out, in terrible pain, so very limited in what I can do and enjoy. I feel as though I’m living in fear a lot of the time, fear of loneliness, fear of increasing pain, fear of loss of mobility, fear that I will do something completely innocent and normal but hurt myself. I fear not being able to take care of my dog, to simply walk her. I feel as if I’m just waiting for the next setback.
A person I was once close to used to call me “Chuck” in reference to Charlie Brown. I never understood why she did that, but as I get older, I certainly identify with Charlie Brown.